The Rambling Thoughts of a True Neurotic

Mood: Tired and Sad

Filed under: Sad,Tired — September 23, 2013 @ 9:25 pm

I slept like shit last night. Part of it was my fault. I knew we needed to get an early start but I did not go to bed until well after midnight. Then hubby came to bed in a “mood” so just when I was falling asleep I was awakened. Then I’m pretty sure the cats woke me up at various parts of the night. And finally the kicker…a weird ass dream that I couldn’t shake all day, that I’m convinced only contributed to the sadness I carried around all day.

Hubby and I drove up to Albany for meetings through the VA. I didn’t really have a reason for going, aside from keeping hubby company on the drive. I spent a good portion of the day trying to keep myself entertained while hubby talked to various people in the VA system that possibly could help his joblessness and money less situation…unfortunately there’s only a small amount of help they could offer, which made the entire day feel like a waste and remind me just how much of a burden I’m dealing with with hubby not having any money coming in. I knew no one there was going to be able to wave a magic wand or anything like that…but I was so sure something helpful would come out of today. Silly me.

After we were finally finished we went to a nearby mall to do some shopping and get something to eat. My heart just wasn’t into it though. Aside from a spice store we barely looked at anything and while we ate at one of my favorite places, my heart just was not into it. Even going into the pet store to look at puppies…something that usually works in turning my mood around, just made me sad as it just made me miss having a dog…especially as they had a Bichon.

My best friend also called today and at first she seemed happy as she had just come from a job interview…but then the conversation switched to issues that she’s been having with her husband. Usually I’m more than happy to work as a sounding board for her, but today it was just too much. I may have lied just a teeny bit and told her that I was having trouble getting a signal while inside the mall. It wasn’t a complete lie. I was having issues. But I didn’t call her back when we were in a better place.

So the dream. I’m bad at remembering the details of this dream but I do remember that it had to do with having a young (as in 1 or 2 year old daughter. It was one of those dreams that feel so real that I woke up, thinking that I needed to find her or something. It’s not as if I an desperate to be a mother but that dream really threw me and I was hyper aware of any baby I saw today.

Then of course I’m sad that my weekend is already over. It feels as though it just began or something…probably because last week I worked four days in a row (instead of three) and it wasn’t a good week…and then I slept most of  Friday and was busy both today and Saturday.

It’s only 9:30 but I’m thinking that it’s time for me to head off to bed.



Mood: Relaxed

Filed under: Relaxed — September 22, 2013 @ 11:39 pm

Today was a pretty relaxed day. Thanks to the two beers and two glasses of wine I had yesterday I slept until almost 10am. I must have slept well last night as I woke up feeling refreshed and didn’t feel tired at all today.

I spent a good portion of today on the computer. I got caught up with writing book reviews and other random stuff and next thing I knew it was the end of the day. Funny how that happens sometimes. I did however manage to catch up with all the dishes and then I made the bed and picked up the area on my side of the bedroom. Nothing huge or earth shattering but it feels good to have that done.

Gatsby, one of our two cats, managed to hunt down two animals today. Early in the afternoon he ran into the house with some furry in his mouth and I nearly screamed. It was a field mouse. Dead. Poor thing. Then later this evening he brought back a frog who was still alive, barely. This time he left it on the porch then proceeded to drive us nuts until we opened the door to discover the poor creature. I love my cats, but I just hate when they kill innocent creatures.

Tomorrow is going to be an early day for Hubby and I. Hubby is scheduled to talk to a career counselor through the VA…all the way in Albany (a two hour drive).  I hope that this meeting will be helpful. Hubby has been out of work for close to three months now and it’s been hard. So far I’ve been able to cover our expenses without too much trouble but it doesn’t give me much money left over for cushion money, putting money into our savings account or you know, just money to have for having fun once in awhile. Luckily I’m low maintenance and as long as I can afford to feed my book habit I’m satisfied. Still, I’ve been itching to do some traveling other then driving to South Jersey to visit my folks.

After that it’s back to work. I have a fairly normal schedule this week. Not doing another four day in a row stint. And only two sleep overs instead three. The last week nearly killed me with those fire drills…but next weekend will be hectic. We’re driving back down to  New Jersey for the second time this month. Last time it was to celebrate my niece’s first birthday…this time around it’s to see my brother who will be home for ten days after being at boot camp and AIT training for the US Army. He’s been gone since February. I have not seen him since January. We are having a party for him and his wife as they did not have much of a celebration when they got married. So it’ll be an exhausting weekend, but hopefully a good one.  It’ll be hard to leave though as my brother, his wife and my adorable niece will then be moving to Georgia.

Mood: A Little Tipsy

Filed under: Tipsy — September 22, 2013 @ 12:56 am

I’ve been sitting on the idea of starting up yet another blog. For years I blogged and just very recently backed up all my old posts (seven years worth) and hit that delete button.

I don’t regret hitting the delete button. Other than the fact that I still have seven years worth of blog posts saved on Google Drive, I finally realized that it was time to delete the blog and give myself a fresh start. For a long time I held back from actually writing what I wanted/needed to write because I was trying to write to my “audience”. Now I realize that that was a mistake.

So I thought I’d start over from scratch, in the safety net of Psych Central as this is the one place online where I can truly feel as though I can be my true self. I don’t have to apologize for feeling depressed and I don’t have to try to put a gloss over my life. It’s my life and when I feel like shit…I’m going to blog about feeling like shit and why I’m feeling like shit.

Today I’m a mixed bag of feelings. It’s the weekend so I should be relaxed but the last two weeks of work have been pretty horrendous and I’m already feeling anxious to go back on Tuesday. I’m usually thankful for the job as it’s such an improvement from my last job…and I worked my ass off to get hired. But still. Keep wondering if my bosses are having second thoughts on hiring me. It’s irrational I know as I’m good at my job most of the time…it’s just whenever something goes wrong, I take a blow to my self esteem and mentally beat myself up and convince myself that I should look into a totally different line of work.

Then there’s the fact that our family is going through a lot of changes. My brother will be getting out of training for the Army this week…then he’ll be moving his wife and daughter to Georgia where he’ll be stationed. I’m afraid that I’ll never see them. My sister in law is moving to California and my brother in law is in China for an undetermined set of time. My best friend lives in Michigan. My parents live in New Jersey. I love my husband, but I cannot depend on him for every emotional need I need fulfilled.

So much is being piled on top of me. I’m surprised I can still breath.